A long and silent wail
With emotions so weak and frail
I seek a comforting sail
But I surface with no avail
Tears silently escape
From lids that sadly drape
To cover my eyes like a cape
And seal my sorrow with a tape
My pain is tender and quail
But my pride will always prevail
To keep balance to my quivering rail
And conceal my sadness without any fail
Feelings lodged within me like a grape
Confusing me providing no escape
Questions sink to the back of my nape
And answers whizzing by like a slape
I drift back to a comforting trail
Following through my anointed grail
Engulfed with strength from The One we hail
Marked by clarity beyond any fail.
During my education in the University, when the going got hard, a fleeting moment would come upon me where I would question what I was doing and ask myself if it was worth all the hard work. With an adamant yes, I would push that moment of weakness far back and strive ahead.
Now I’m in the real world. Facing the real facts of life. No cushions to fall on, no trampoline to bounce back up with, no marshmallow clouds and vanilla moons, no sweet lemon crusted sun or bubble gum blue sky. It’s the real thing where whatever I say is taken for what it is and beyond, where my actions are the only cutlasses paving my future.
I still get those fleeting moments of confusion where I get the urge to recline and hide like an ostrich. And then a little voice within me reminds me that reclining would not make the world stop moving and that reclining would not make people and events around me evaporate. It would only throw me into quick sand where I will not have help because I would be sinking alone, voluntarily. And by alone, not only will the people around me not be able to help me, but even I would not be able to help myself.
It’s during these moments of weakness that I realise what it means for me to be the mature individual that I have grown to become and the woman that everyone sees me as. I realise that shutting out “my world” would not make things easier, it would only show how weak I am with my inability to push forward while maintaining my ground and still accepting everyone around me. And then I realise what it really means to be strong. The ability to stand my ground, suck the negativity with a cushion, reshape that cushion and throw it back out.
I have learned different ways of coping and adjusting, sometimes it’s by the support of someone close and other times it’s by simply doing something that allows me a mental corridor where I leave the negativity behind. No one has the ability to set back those moments if I do not accept to let go.
With all that’s said, the core of what ultimately makes me more confident again about my moment of weakness towards the thoughts of reclining is faith. Having the ultimate faith that Allah will make things better for me. Entrusting him to take care of things. That always brings peace to my heart and mind. I’m learning how simple it is to do that now. It involves pausing the racing thoughts in my mind and just pushing matters towards Him. It brings amazing peace to my heart.